Saturday, February 28, 2009
I've been scaring myself. Still probably am.
No I'm not suicidal. Just not being myself.
And just when I need people the most, I'm afraid that what I'm doing is only driving them further away from me.
Whatever it is, please stay. Cause I don't know what I want nor what I'm doing, really.
This time, everything's about me.
I'm sorry no one understands. Not even me sometimes.
No I'm not suicidal. Just not being myself.
And just when I need people the most, I'm afraid that what I'm doing is only driving them further away from me.
Whatever it is, please stay. Cause I don't know what I want nor what I'm doing, really.
This time, everything's about me.
I'm sorry no one understands. Not even me sometimes.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I thought I found the key to my own happiness but it turned out to be a duplicate, a thrown-away. Another key that someone had tried using to reach their own happiness, only to find out that the key leads to a dizzying maze that ends in futility.
They say everything in life is driven by logic. Since when? Or maybe they referred to warped logic. Who's to say that its not logic when someone can stand up and defend everything by going around in circles?
The truth is, I'm upset. I am VERY upset. Its the sort of feeling that can't be adequately described in words, not because I don't possess the vocabulary but because it is something that has to be experienced personally. The only word I can come up with at this point in time would be- NUMBNESS.
When someone experience something that is extreme or beyond their threshold, they either refuse to accept it or they bury it deep within themselves. External stimuli can cause them to become either extremely happy or extremely emotional. It is a pendulum motion. But it is clearly a time bomb. I find myself having to constantly control my emotions. Everyone thinks that I'm strong because they can't see my weakness. They can't see how much effort I need to put in to make everything seem alright and acceptable to me. I've learnt to deal with everything far too efficiently- in my opinion.
In such times I can't help but be glad for all the people around me. Lets just say that i'm pleasantly surprised by a few of you who have shown me how you can go out of your way to make me feel loved. My family and friends. The support is really overwhelming. To the people who might misunderstand what happened, maybe you never truly understood me nor my feelings at this point in time. I don't blame you all and I'm equally glad for your presence. =) Its true, what they say, in times like these do you see the real angels beside you.
I have to say that I don't regret anything that I have done.
They say everything in life is driven by logic. Since when? Or maybe they referred to warped logic. Who's to say that its not logic when someone can stand up and defend everything by going around in circles?
The truth is, I'm upset. I am VERY upset. Its the sort of feeling that can't be adequately described in words, not because I don't possess the vocabulary but because it is something that has to be experienced personally. The only word I can come up with at this point in time would be- NUMBNESS.
When someone experience something that is extreme or beyond their threshold, they either refuse to accept it or they bury it deep within themselves. External stimuli can cause them to become either extremely happy or extremely emotional. It is a pendulum motion. But it is clearly a time bomb. I find myself having to constantly control my emotions. Everyone thinks that I'm strong because they can't see my weakness. They can't see how much effort I need to put in to make everything seem alright and acceptable to me. I've learnt to deal with everything far too efficiently- in my opinion.
In such times I can't help but be glad for all the people around me. Lets just say that i'm pleasantly surprised by a few of you who have shown me how you can go out of your way to make me feel loved. My family and friends. The support is really overwhelming. To the people who might misunderstand what happened, maybe you never truly understood me nor my feelings at this point in time. I don't blame you all and I'm equally glad for your presence. =) Its true, what they say, in times like these do you see the real angels beside you.
I have to say that I don't regret anything that I have done.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Joycie thinks she's scaring herself and everyone around her.
She was awake the whole night, unable to fall into deep slumber because thoughts were invading her mind. No it wasn't a good night. All she did was lie there, think and pray. Those precious tears that usually pour out of that tap were no where in sight. It was as though everything was dried up, and she, have dried up like prune. Her thoughts ranged from acceptance to pure denial. As though demons were present. There were points in time when she felt strong and calm and clear-headed, and some where she felt helpless, hopeless and pathetic.
She is in a stoning mood. Words don't come out of her mouth like how they used to. It is never the same again.
She was awake the whole night, unable to fall into deep slumber because thoughts were invading her mind. No it wasn't a good night. All she did was lie there, think and pray. Those precious tears that usually pour out of that tap were no where in sight. It was as though everything was dried up, and she, have dried up like prune. Her thoughts ranged from acceptance to pure denial. As though demons were present. There were points in time when she felt strong and calm and clear-headed, and some where she felt helpless, hopeless and pathetic.
She is in a stoning mood. Words don't come out of her mouth like how they used to. It is never the same again.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Joycie has been having weird cravings these few days!!
All I really want now is BOWNIES!! And not just any boring-o-brownie-off-the-shelf BUT P.osh brownies. I'm salivating just thinking about those small rectangles of pure lust. Oohlala!! Bite into one and savour the warm moist interior. This is really a case of don't judge the book by its cover. If you choose to have the plain brownie (which in itself is an irony since I don't consider it PLAIN at all!!) you might not think much of its appearance. Afterall it is "orh lu lu" (blackblackone). But just let me tempt you into biting into it... Roll the mouthful in your mouth, taste the rich chocolaty taste and be prepared to SWOON! If you choose those with toppings, the appearance would make you all happy happy and fuzzy inside already. It all looks so cheery and pretty. =)
If my descriptions are not enough to make your tummy twitch and go into involuntary spasm, check out their website... LOVELY BROWNIES *click it*
Something else that I'm craving would be... ASTON! Ohmygoodness. I've been harping on this for so so so so long!! I want western food and nothing would do except Aston. =( But the one in NUS has already closed down. Doesn't help matters that I do have a straight bus to the Tampines branch but no one to go with me. Rarr. I wonder when i will get to eat my herb fish, potato salad, hickory chicken, baked potato, french fries... (Argh it is pure torture blogging about this when I didn't have dinner!!)
Next on the list would be... SCOOPZ icecream!! Jo would know this!! I totally love the icecream from there. I found out this one best kept secret when I was working at parkway as a retail assistant. I remember treating myself to icecream on Christmas day. =) That was at least 2-3 years ago. Never forgot the creamy consistency of the icecream!! Its a total pleasure licking this cone up. Even the crispy waffle is heaven. The line never fails to be present. $2.80, not too pricey for good quality sin-food. Sigh. For those who are wondering where to buy yourself that little piece of heaven that melts your heart, head on down to parkway parade. Scoopz is located right beside Boarders. You can't miss it!
I also want to have good SASHIMI!! I want!! Heard that the buffet at Mirama Hotel is good! Hmm for $33++. I just wanna sink my teeth into fresh fish. Salmon please. And i want to have chawanmushi too!! BELLE you see how much influence you have over my eating habits! Bad bad bad. This way I would go broke soon just listening to the whims of my stomach. =S
Glad that I satisfied one other craving today! At the expenses of wx. HAHAHA. Thanks so much! =) Starbucks!! Mocha chip frap again!! No whipped cream and add more chips. So fattening but so satisfying. Nothing beats a lazy day in Starbucks enjoying the company of your coffee and that nonsense guy, reading woman's magazines. HAHA!
Okies. I need a stern fierce person to watch over me and force me to study/do my work. Its time I increase the intensity of studying. TIE ME DOWN TO MY CHAIR!
Facebook, blog-hopping, msn are such great tools of distraction... Aiyee...
Jo ar. If only I can sell some of my sleep/free time to you I would. Poor thing you. Jiayou okies!! =)
All I really want now is BOWNIES!! And not just any boring-o-brownie-off-the-shelf BUT P.osh brownies. I'm salivating just thinking about those small rectangles of pure lust. Oohlala!! Bite into one and savour the warm moist interior. This is really a case of don't judge the book by its cover. If you choose to have the plain brownie (which in itself is an irony since I don't consider it PLAIN at all!!) you might not think much of its appearance. Afterall it is "orh lu lu" (blackblackone). But just let me tempt you into biting into it... Roll the mouthful in your mouth, taste the rich chocolaty taste and be prepared to SWOON! If you choose those with toppings, the appearance would make you all happy happy and fuzzy inside already. It all looks so cheery and pretty. =)
If my descriptions are not enough to make your tummy twitch and go into involuntary spasm, check out their website... LOVELY BROWNIES *click it*
Something else that I'm craving would be... ASTON! Ohmygoodness. I've been harping on this for so so so so long!! I want western food and nothing would do except Aston. =( But the one in NUS has already closed down. Doesn't help matters that I do have a straight bus to the Tampines branch but no one to go with me. Rarr. I wonder when i will get to eat my herb fish, potato salad, hickory chicken, baked potato, french fries... (Argh it is pure torture blogging about this when I didn't have dinner!!)
Next on the list would be... SCOOPZ icecream!! Jo would know this!! I totally love the icecream from there. I found out this one best kept secret when I was working at parkway as a retail assistant. I remember treating myself to icecream on Christmas day. =) That was at least 2-3 years ago. Never forgot the creamy consistency of the icecream!! Its a total pleasure licking this cone up. Even the crispy waffle is heaven. The line never fails to be present. $2.80, not too pricey for good quality sin-food. Sigh. For those who are wondering where to buy yourself that little piece of heaven that melts your heart, head on down to parkway parade. Scoopz is located right beside Boarders. You can't miss it!
I also want to have good SASHIMI!! I want!! Heard that the buffet at Mirama Hotel is good! Hmm for $33++. I just wanna sink my teeth into fresh fish. Salmon please. And i want to have chawanmushi too!! BELLE you see how much influence you have over my eating habits! Bad bad bad. This way I would go broke soon just listening to the whims of my stomach. =S
Glad that I satisfied one other craving today! At the expenses of wx. HAHAHA. Thanks so much! =) Starbucks!! Mocha chip frap again!! No whipped cream and add more chips. So fattening but so satisfying. Nothing beats a lazy day in Starbucks enjoying the company of your coffee and that nonsense guy, reading woman's magazines. HAHA!
Okies. I need a stern fierce person to watch over me and force me to study/do my work. Its time I increase the intensity of studying. TIE ME DOWN TO MY CHAIR!
Facebook, blog-hopping, msn are such great tools of distraction... Aiyee...
Jo ar. If only I can sell some of my sleep/free time to you I would. Poor thing you. Jiayou okies!! =)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
No matter what crosses my mind, i always come back to the same conclusion.. That i want to be where i am now, with you, always. Aww... <3
Anyway my previous post was a rather emo one. Due to certain reasons for which i shan't say here. hahaha. but if u had read every single word there maybe u'll get a hint of all that i'm going through. Life never gets simpler leh. Maybe i'd have to wait till retirement age to understand what "simple life" is.
Okies so i apologise for my lack of punctuation but i have to defend myself by stating that i do have a point for doing so. I want to convey my emotional turmoil and that whole burden i'm carrying in simple text. Without punctuations u'll be forced to read slowly agonisingly and subconsciously be pulled into experiencing first hand the kind of despair i feel. hahaha i' ve been listening in class! Communications! xp
So vday was good. I'm gonna be candid here so be forewarned. Nope no flowers this year!! In any case roses always are priced so exorbitantly high during this peak period it doesn't make too much sense buying them. BUT it doesn't mean i dont like to be presented with a whole bouquet okie! With a flourish of course! Its just that... i'm not complaining. There are always other occasions anyway. LOL!!
Yeah so i'm quite proud of myself being able to find a present!! Those around me would know the amounts of PAIN i went through to find one suitable one. (belle jo pam and becky especially) I'm so glad the search is finally over. YES YES I'M PICKY. But it isn't the first day you know me either. That's the way i am and i have to suffer because of it. =S Absolutely disgusting thought. And no i'm not claiming anything here so hold your tongue u cheeky reader. Don't think i donno u want to come and suan me already.
just a random thought: i think i'm more generous with my friends than with myself. hmm. i am arent' i?
my present was unexpected. HAHA. yes. the thought counts =) and nope pls i'm not being sarcastic. Is someone already saying something? My ears are itching...
Dinner was great! The best i've ever had so far. =) And i shall save the rest of the details for myself.
Hmm.. if only every day was vday then there won't be this whole commercialised phenomenon, there won't be the presence of social expectations to do something special for your other half, those singles won't have to feel emo sitting alone at home and restaurants and nice hide-aways won't be crowded and overflowing... Seriously what is so romantic about spending time with your loved one AND having to jostle with other people over personal space? Overhearing other couples and being in sight of them. Urgh. I prefer my peace and quiet and space, thankyouverymuch.
BUT without vday, will couples find a day to commemorate their love? to confess their undying devotion to each other (lol)? or just simply find time in their busy schedule to make time for each other? Probably not. So just see for urself how powerful social expectations are. They can drive the society and in some cases, even the economy.
Just a note: Next yr's vday falls on the first day of chinese new year. Yes people, i hear those groans... lol! I'm betting that the marketing strategy would be "Everyday is Vday". We'll just wait and see!
=)
Anyway my previous post was a rather emo one. Due to certain reasons for which i shan't say here. hahaha. but if u had read every single word there maybe u'll get a hint of all that i'm going through. Life never gets simpler leh. Maybe i'd have to wait till retirement age to understand what "simple life" is.
Okies so i apologise for my lack of punctuation but i have to defend myself by stating that i do have a point for doing so. I want to convey my emotional turmoil and that whole burden i'm carrying in simple text. Without punctuations u'll be forced to read slowly agonisingly and subconsciously be pulled into experiencing first hand the kind of despair i feel. hahaha i' ve been listening in class! Communications! xp
So vday was good. I'm gonna be candid here so be forewarned. Nope no flowers this year!! In any case roses always are priced so exorbitantly high during this peak period it doesn't make too much sense buying them. BUT it doesn't mean i dont like to be presented with a whole bouquet okie! With a flourish of course! Its just that... i'm not complaining. There are always other occasions anyway. LOL!!
Yeah so i'm quite proud of myself being able to find a present!! Those around me would know the amounts of PAIN i went through to find one suitable one. (belle jo pam and becky especially) I'm so glad the search is finally over. YES YES I'M PICKY. But it isn't the first day you know me either. That's the way i am and i have to suffer because of it. =S Absolutely disgusting thought. And no i'm not claiming anything here so hold your tongue u cheeky reader. Don't think i donno u want to come and suan me already.
just a random thought: i think i'm more generous with my friends than with myself. hmm. i am arent' i?
my present was unexpected. HAHA. yes. the thought counts =) and nope pls i'm not being sarcastic. Is someone already saying something? My ears are itching...
Dinner was great! The best i've ever had so far. =) And i shall save the rest of the details for myself.
Hmm.. if only every day was vday then there won't be this whole commercialised phenomenon, there won't be the presence of social expectations to do something special for your other half, those singles won't have to feel emo sitting alone at home and restaurants and nice hide-aways won't be crowded and overflowing... Seriously what is so romantic about spending time with your loved one AND having to jostle with other people over personal space? Overhearing other couples and being in sight of them. Urgh. I prefer my peace and quiet and space, thankyouverymuch.
BUT without vday, will couples find a day to commemorate their love? to confess their undying devotion to each other (lol)? or just simply find time in their busy schedule to make time for each other? Probably not. So just see for urself how powerful social expectations are. They can drive the society and in some cases, even the economy.
Just a note: Next yr's vday falls on the first day of chinese new year. Yes people, i hear those groans... lol! I'm betting that the marketing strategy would be "Everyday is Vday". We'll just wait and see!
=)
One question that has been bugging me everytime is just one big "WHY!"
Why this why that why not this why not that why can't it be this why can't it be that why this is not that why can't this be changed why can't this work out why can't everything be simpler why can't i be better why can't i be smarter why can't i be more ruthless why can't you do this why can't she do that why can't everyone do what they are supposed to do why can't i get what i want why is it all this way why is my expectations so high why are you treating me this way why is my life so screwed up why is love so complicated why is my heart aching like it is now why is the day so short why is it that i care so much why do i bother so much why do i waste so much on my time on something so meaningless why do i want to know so many things why can't i let things lie or sleeping dogs for that matter why are things so unfair why can't i get everything i wish for why are you being this way to me why do i have to go to sch why can't i have more free days why can't school be a little more interesting why do i have 8am lessons why are my journeys always so boring why must i always be the initiator why can't someone else do all the work sometimes why can't school be nearer why is the time passing so quickly when you wish it to be slower why leave me when you can stay why question when you know the answer why hold on when you can let go why force yourself when you obviously want to give up why am i so tired why doesn't it go away.. you get the drift. anything and everything. WHY.
We all try to do our best. But sometimes, our best is just not enough. Then, what next?
Why this why that why not this why not that why can't it be this why can't it be that why this is not that why can't this be changed why can't this work out why can't everything be simpler why can't i be better why can't i be smarter why can't i be more ruthless why can't you do this why can't she do that why can't everyone do what they are supposed to do why can't i get what i want why is it all this way why is my expectations so high why are you treating me this way why is my life so screwed up why is love so complicated why is my heart aching like it is now why is the day so short why is it that i care so much why do i bother so much why do i waste so much on my time on something so meaningless why do i want to know so many things why can't i let things lie or sleeping dogs for that matter why are things so unfair why can't i get everything i wish for why are you being this way to me why do i have to go to sch why can't i have more free days why can't school be a little more interesting why do i have 8am lessons why are my journeys always so boring why must i always be the initiator why can't someone else do all the work sometimes why can't school be nearer why is the time passing so quickly when you wish it to be slower why leave me when you can stay why question when you know the answer why hold on when you can let go why force yourself when you obviously want to give up why am i so tired why doesn't it go away.. you get the drift. anything and everything. WHY.
We all try to do our best. But sometimes, our best is just not enough. Then, what next?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The past week has been good. =) I've had many first experiences. Oh and yeah i've had 2 strands of purple hair extensions for a week now. They are really cool! I wonder how long they'll last.
One by one my seniors are ord-ing. Loads of "i got my pink ic already!!" and the accompanying jubilant whoop. I'm happy that wx ord-ed too. Though it probably won't translate into more time for me... i really donno why am i so happy. HAHA. Funny little girl.
1month. <3
One by one my seniors are ord-ing. Loads of "i got my pink ic already!!" and the accompanying jubilant whoop. I'm happy that wx ord-ed too. Though it probably won't translate into more time for me... i really donno why am i so happy. HAHA. Funny little girl.
1month. <3
Sunday, February 08, 2009
I just woke up from a terrible dream. terrible terrible. its so bad that i am still feeling the after effects. it is so damn bad i feel like just crying. all the pent up frustrations, the insecurities are getting to me now.
the dream made me feel like a fool. i know if i look at it objectively, it might never happen. but i felt such great amount of betrayal i wanted to just kill myself and disappear. something deep within me was hurt, badly, i felt torn into shreds. it didn't help that both people who appeared in my dream are people so close to me.
and i know i'm paranoid but i'm super afraid of _th feb. my horoscope doesnt seem to be favourable for that day... and i really dont want anything to happen that would jepodise the world that i have so lovingly and painstakingly built.
I'm scared. very scared. i don't think i have ever felt this way before. sometimes i can't help but wonder why do i care so much about something that is so volatile. but its just me. i invest too much of my emotions and of myself into everything, i NEED everything to succeed. i'm very selfish and self-centred in that way. and needy and insecure. what else can u come up with? is that going to be the reason of my downfall?
='(
the dream made me feel like a fool. i know if i look at it objectively, it might never happen. but i felt such great amount of betrayal i wanted to just kill myself and disappear. something deep within me was hurt, badly, i felt torn into shreds. it didn't help that both people who appeared in my dream are people so close to me.
and i know i'm paranoid but i'm super afraid of _th feb. my horoscope doesnt seem to be favourable for that day... and i really dont want anything to happen that would jepodise the world that i have so lovingly and painstakingly built.
I'm scared. very scared. i don't think i have ever felt this way before. sometimes i can't help but wonder why do i care so much about something that is so volatile. but its just me. i invest too much of my emotions and of myself into everything, i NEED everything to succeed. i'm very selfish and self-centred in that way. and needy and insecure. what else can u come up with? is that going to be the reason of my downfall?
='(
Saturday, February 07, 2009
I actually wanted someone that is flesh and blood to hear me rant and weigh the benefits and cost of this but seems like there's no one i want to talk to or rather those i want to talk to are "away" or "busy". Its a lonely town tonight.
Well SEP (student exchange program). That's the thing that has been bothering me quite a bit the last 2 days. I really don't know if i should apply for it now or whether i should even go for exchange. There are so many considerations... of course there is the overarching worry about finances. It is really going to cost a lot. Like 10k? And that is only the period of time overseas. What about when u come back to singapore and find out that you cannot map back your credits, will you end up staying back for one more semester? In that case u would have to pay how much more?? 600bucks for one mod is not cheap leh. Then going there all alone? Will i be able to take that sort of loneliness, away from home, family, friends, wx. Not that it is holding me back but it is still weighing heavily on my mind. Will i be able to adapt and take care of myself?
ARGH! Is it worth it?
Well SEP (student exchange program). That's the thing that has been bothering me quite a bit the last 2 days. I really don't know if i should apply for it now or whether i should even go for exchange. There are so many considerations... of course there is the overarching worry about finances. It is really going to cost a lot. Like 10k? And that is only the period of time overseas. What about when u come back to singapore and find out that you cannot map back your credits, will you end up staying back for one more semester? In that case u would have to pay how much more?? 600bucks for one mod is not cheap leh. Then going there all alone? Will i be able to take that sort of loneliness, away from home, family, friends, wx. Not that it is holding me back but it is still weighing heavily on my mind. Will i be able to adapt and take care of myself?
ARGH! Is it worth it?
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
