My first attempt at the new language.
"jag är utbytsstudent i Uppsala Universitet. Jag går till ett på kvart över åtta. Jag och Indra äter frukost på hotell/hem. Vi har Svenska lektion och vi slutar tolv. Jag går till bibliotek efter klass. Jag också shoppa på Svartbäcksg. Klockan åtta gå hem."
I was supposed to write about my day...
Basically translated it means:
"I am an exchange student at Uppsala University. I walk there at quarter past 8. I and Indra eat breakfast in hotel/home. We have Swedish lessons and we end lessons at 12. I walk to the library after class. I also shop on Svartbäcksg (a street). I go home at 8."
=)
Packing my things into the luggage. I can't believe my flight is tomorrow!! It is so soon so soon I'm almost ready to freak out. =x Part of me is really really excited to go. Can't wait to explore Sweden and Europe! Another part of me is feeling that all of this is so surreal, almost fake, that its all a dream and I'm going to wake up any moment now. There's also this part of me that wishes I'm not leaving because of the people and things that I would be leaving behind...
Been thinking through this whole "moving" for a long time now. I'm convinced that it would be a really good experience as well as a really good opportunity for me to learn and find my own independence. There is also the need to remove myself from the familiar by getting away from Singapore to rethink so many issues. To find new directions and to affirm my feelings. Its going to be a small physical distance to travel compared to the large emotional hurdle that I am trying to cross.
I'm going to miss all of you so so much. My close friends who are my steady support system (haha now you have to really go the distance to make up for the miles between us!), and most importantly my family. (I will so miss my little brother for all his quirks). The silly boy to whom I will always be the silly girl. And my little minions - my 3 little cousins. I will miss certain people more than others that's for certain. I never thought I would EVER say this, but I might even miss mummy's cooking and nagging. hahaha.
May I have a safe and enriching trip. Yahoo!! =D
What a terrible upsetting thing this whole birthday celebrations is turning out to be. People that I count on to do things that they previously promised to do have broken their promises, and my heart along with it. I don't know how else to describe my current feelings, I feel alone in this. I feel numb and very very disappointed. All of a sudden, I don't believe in promises, simply because they hurt me far too much when they are broken.
First the decor. I probably should rely more on myself and not believe it when others offer to help. Afterall, it seems like I'm the one who is going to be doing most of it, if not all of it. Right, everyone has their own schedules to follow, their own things to do but I really can't help feeling neglected. No follow ups. And I feel almost like I'm begging people to help me. It is horrible. Tomorrow is the day and decor is not even one bit done.
Broken promises... You for one, I wouldn't count on anymore. You have broken promises and this time, taking everything into account, it hurts much more.
So feel like calling this whole thing off. I'm tired. Someone please understand. =(
Different experience this time as a OCom helper and not a counselor. Between the 2, I still very much prefer the latter, socializing with new people is still my forte. I probably would feel a better sense of belonging seeing as how everyone starts out not knowing much about each other. Rarr. I kind of regret...
This year, Arts Camp means a lot more to me. It could be the last one that I would be involved in. And I can't be around for Oweek, which is a continuation of the arts camp. I will lose allegiance made within this short week when I leave for Sweden. =( EMO SHIT.
How do I tell anyone of my feelings when I wouldn't be around to nurture them? =(
Especially when I'm the one jumping off the deep end.
Have been doing quite a bit of thinking the past few days too. I suppose that is due to all the studying. The studying causes me to have late nights which makes me depressed which makes me all emotional which in turn causes my mind to wander and get fixated on emotional problems. Oh that feeling sure sucks. Trust me, late night depressing alone really is the bummer.
Well well, I guess through all that thinking, I have made some decisions. One major one really, one that hinges on many other smaller decisions. I have managed to reason logically and rationally to myself that some people in life really don't matter all that much. And with respect to that, I should not waste time and energy and effort on keeping the company of these people. It may sound kind of sadistic and cynical to you but in the long run, maybe things might be easier on everyone if I stop obsessing about how well I am treating the people who are actively involved in my life and probably the next person that walks into my life. Things would definitely be easier, given the lesser amount of patience and love that I have to invest. With a thought for my sanity, I do have a limited amount of me that I can afford to give to others. For purely selfish reasons, I am now going to choose more personal time over wasting time on person/people who do not appreciate my presence in their lives.
It takes 2 hands to clap. I am the one that is going to refuse to hang around till the other hand decides its time to give a round of applause. I have been waiting for that phantom hand far too long. Its better this way, I need to moisturize and love that hand that has been exposed to the elements lest it falls off due to negligence and pure silliness. Adopt a new philosophy of life, maybe it will serve to sooth my battered emotions.
Change is in the books for me. I will embrace it this time around.
"without you, would life as I know it cease to exist?"
The answer is probably 'no'. I was only wishing it was a 'yes'.
Things are not going too well. I can't say exactly what is the main factor, or maybe i'm running away from it. Assignments are still not done (though they are definitely making progress), i have not touched my books (and trust me, when I say I have not touched, I mean it.), my room isn't making me feel motivated (I just want to stone)... and of course there is that other thing that i'm stubbornly trying to ignore. (too close to heart, its painful)
I feel deserted. Please help me out of it.
