I just have to get this off my chest. I am just going to pour everything out so please if you came here with the intention of judging me, please get out- its easy just click that red x at the right corner of this screen.

I've been under much stress lately. So many demanding projects, so many other things to settle (SEP and overseas and internship), its as though my life is practically happening right in front of the computer. I knew that I had taken on a heavy workload this semester with that 100% nm2208 module but I didn't plan on working with this bunch of people nor the other projects and work that came with the other modules. I am really trying very hard to keep it all together but it seems as though the harder I'm being pushed, the harder I'm pushing back and it often ends up with me being not productive and all self-pitying. I know, its pathetic.

Last time I used to have someone to depend on all the time. Just a little message or a quick phonecall (rare treat) and I would be on my feet again. It really takes very little to keep me happy that way, but losing that little bit is causing so much havoc to be happening in my life. I shut you out, just simply because I needed to be by myself to heal and get back on my feet. But its not as simple as that. I really want to be able to say that its easy but I find myself missing all the little things now. It isn't that I didn't treasure them before and that's why i'm berating myself now. Its just that I really hold them so close that now without them, I feel empty and lost.

Everyone tells me that its for the better. I know too that it should be, no objections about that- I was hurting myself far too much. I can't think of you because I'm not strong enough to think and not get affected but at the same time, I can't make myself not think because that's basically reminding myself that I shouldn't be thinking. Its warped. I swear.

Everytime I feel ready to open up, all it takes for that readiness to fade is the thought of those words. I don't want to ever feel not treasured again. I'm not just that "nice girl" that is so easy to take advantage of.

You asked me when we can be friends again. I told you "I don't know" and that's the truth from the bottom of my heart. We may be strangers from now on and its so unfair. I don't want it to be this way but I guess in a way, you were the one who pushed me to the edge of this cliff. I'm still falling, falling... so deep that its all dark around me.

I had my fingers hovering across my phone keypad just now, wishing that I had the strength to make that one phonecall. The one phonecall that might make me feel happier, but weighed against everything else, I flattered and the moment was lost. I felt so awful I came here to vent it out.

I never did make the mistake of falling in love with love. Yet, that only brought me to the scarier version of it, actually falling in love with you.

To my girls who are reading this, I'm sorry. I will be fine again. Don't worry about me. Just tonight I wanna let go.  ¶ 12:18 AM