I just read a really touching post by jun. His grandma had passed away and he had dedicated a whole blog entry to her. Life is just so fragile. Though cliche, it really is uncertain the amount of time we have here living amongst everyone. Who knows what tomorrow brings. Reading his entry made me realise too that i should appreciate my grandma more. She was also the one who took care of me when i was a mere toddler, though she has dementia now, she is still the adorable grandma that i always have. I know that her health has not been good, now i know to spend more time with her. I'm sorry jun that such cruelty of death has occurred but i trust that you would be strong and pull through.

Talking about my grandma. There was once when i visited her earlier this year with my cousin. I had not visited her for some months and was shocked to see her older than the last time. Physically the mop of white hair just could not turn any whiter but upon speaking to her do you realise that the dementia is worsening.
That day, i asked her if she still remembered who i was. I expected her to give me an answer right out seeing how i spent almost half my life till now living with her. The answer that she gave me had me stunned. She did not recognise me as her grand daughter instead she mistook me for some lady probably some daughter of her friend that purportedly lives in red hill. I took it as a shock and decided to tell her my identity. What i did not expect was for her to deny who i was. She did not believe that i was her jiayi insisting fervently that i was who she claimed i was. I showed her pictures taken with my dad, her son, and instead of believing me she shook her head and asked me "what are you doing in that picture?". I was broken. Its one thing for her to forget and another for her to not believe me. I just could not accept it. Afterall i was the one whom she raised! The one whom she brought to the market, the one whom she taught hainanese to, the one whom she made milo for and the one whom she cooks for. Am i so easily forgotten?

Just a few days ago on her birthday i went to visit her again. This time it was a sort of family gathering. I told her who i was and this time, she remembers. Only this time, it was different from the other years. She no longer twirl me around and comment about how much i have grown or changed. She was more contented with sitting on the sofa and watching everyone. I felt a sudden surge of emotions so i went forward to hug her and hold her. She seems so frail. Like a child. She makes me want to protect her like how she once did years before. I made it a point to sit next to her, talk to her and accompany her. At the dinning table, i became the mother hen and i filled her bowl with food. Very much like what she used to do for me. My aunt observed my behavior and commented that i have grown up. I shrugged. It doesn't matter to me. Cutting the cake i could see her smiling and enjoying being the centre of attraction. Her radiance shone through. It is so heartening to see her that way.... When we were leaving, she reached out and hugged me, kissing me too. It was almost as though i were young again. As i held her i felt this surge of emotions. The love that only a grandma is capable of giving to her grand daughter. I love her. Dementia might rob her of memories but i will still remember for it matters, to me.

-loves-

What an emotional start.
Okie back to more mundane stuffs like exams....
Really bad results.
I do not know what is still wrong.
Met my teachers today.
No major problem with me.
Conceptually i'm fine.
No doubt.
I understand.
But that understanding is not translating into my grades.
Doesn't seem as though i had done anything.
Carelessness.
My pitfall.
Disappointment.
I just gotta be more careful and focus on the requirements of the qns.
I know i can do it.
At least that much i'm sure.
Its a battle.
I intend to emerge victorious.
And this time, i will.
Frustration would only serve to spur me.
Mindset.

pics next post...  ¶ 10:18 PM