This is going to be a boring post but it will mean much to me.

Joyce is so not feeling well. I'm out of sorts to speak the truth. I wonder where the original me has gone. I just seem to be invaded by this spirit which i came to know as FEAR. He eats at me slowly, makes me behave like a mutant, can't sleep because he can't differentiate between day and night constantly pestering me. The worst thing? I think it is threatening to overwhelm me. I have never felt this way before, so lost, so vulnerable, so scared and so tired.

FEAR wasn't here by accident. He was invited by CONFUSION and INSECURITY-his 2 best friends. In light of them threatening to budge in and claiming ownership of THAT place, original tenants- HAPPINESS and CONTENTMENT simply stood their ground. The powers of both have since diminished due to the long term struggle for the rightful ownership of THAT place. They just kept hanging on till one fine day, with the help of an external source EXAMS wearing his new suit from RESULTS, CONFUSION and INSECURITY won their battle. It was a long hard battle. Even now, HAPPINESS and CONTENTMENT would occasionally knock on the door of THAT place to be invited in in hopes of getting it back my slowly spreading their influence and branding it. Sometimes they got lucky and could get invited for tea, other times, they get driven away as soon as they step in.

After some time, HAPPINESS and CONTENTMENT realised that it was futile to try getting into THAT place to assert any claim on it again. In fact, they have failed for the last couple of months to get into THAT place. They thought and came up with the idea that they could make talismans, selling it cheaply on the streets so that everyone would be guaranteed to carry one. This was in hopes of a possibility of getting one or more of these talisman into THAT place and thus increase their powers in THAT place. They figured that their presence was not needed just yet. They did just that.

Many bought those really cool and nice looking talisman. In all luck, FAMILY, FRIENDS and many close neighbours bought them too. When visiting THAT place, they inadvertently brought along bits of HAPPINESS and CONTENTMENT. THAT place now enjoys a certain familiarity from those talisman that were its previous tenants whenever FAMILY and FRIENDS were around.

I can't seem to continue... In case u are clueless, THAT place refers to me.

Its very disheartening to know that however much hard work you put in just might not translates to the grade that you deserve. What is the whole point now? It is not that i'm harping on my less(x100) than satisfying results and not moving on. It is really not that. I just feel lost. I do not know how to go on and continue on in studies. Is it really more important that i have shown improvement? What if the improvement is so minor that it practically does not make any difference?

I really feel as though i am not able to smile sincerely anymore. Its as though i have forgotten how to. So much things on my mind i can't even think. Think of me as being heartless and cold, i am totally not doing that purposely. I know some of you think that i'm just going through a phase and i'm just throwing a temper. But that's not the case. I find myself less willing to talk and interact, preferring to keep to myself and sulk or just stone. I'm tired. Quality sleep? I tried i really did. Slept early and all but i sleep fitfully suddenly waking up in the middle of the night to find myself being shocked into being awoken sitting up. I'm freaking. I do not know what is happening. Is this normal? Do i go to the doctor to get some anti-depressants? Am i thinking too much?

I'm not sure. Not anymore. Not even of my feelings. I'm so messed up i feel like burying myself. Will you hold me tight?  ¶ 5:48 PM